Pet Poems, Jokes and Fun Stuff to Read

PET POEMS

TOP 10 DOG PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS 1. Blaming your smells on me... not funny... not funny at all! 2. Yelling at me for barking ... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG! 3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? 4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it! 5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. 6. The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo -- what a proud moment for the top of the food chain. YOU! 7. Taking me to the vet for the "big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back! 8. Getting upset when I sniff at your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet. 9. Dog sweaters. Hello? Haven't you noticed the fur? 10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous. Rules for pets: The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.  Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.  It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.  Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.  I cannot stress this enough! To return the kindness of your obedience, my dear pets, I have posted the following on our front door so visitors to our home know what the rules are here: Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets 1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.  (That's why they call it "fur"niture.) 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted children who are short, hairy and walk on all fours. Although they don't speak clearly, they communicate extremely well, especially my cats. 5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called (this does not apply to cats), never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college. Also, if they get pregnant, you can sell the children!

A Dogs' Life

Things Dogs Must Try To Remember.... I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up. I will not throw up in the car. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop. "Kitty box crunchies" are not food. I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR A RESPONSIBLE PET OWNER ·         My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years. Any separation from you is very painful for me. ·         Give me time to understand what you want of me. ·         Place your trust in me--it is crucial for my well being. ·         Don't be angry with me for long, and don't lock me up as punishment.   You have your work, your friends, your entertainment. I HAVE ONLY YOU! ·         Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I understand your voice when it's speaking to me. ·         Be aware that however you treat me, I'll NEVER forget it. ·         Before you hit me, remember that I have teeth that could easily crush the bones in your hand, but I choose not to bite you. ·         Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I've been out in the sun for too long, or my heart may be getting old and weak. ·         Take care of me when I get old. You too, will grow old. ·         Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say, "I just can't bear to watch it" or, "Let it happen in my absence." Everything is easier for ME if you are there. Remember--I LOVE YOU! Poem For Cats Author Unknown And God asked the feline spirit Are you ready to come home? Oh, yes, quite so, replied the precious soul And, as a cat, you know I am most able To decide anything for myself. Are you coming then? asked God. Soon, replied the whiskered angel But I must come slowly For my human friends are troubled For you see, they need me, quite certainly. But don't they understand? asked God That you'll never leave them? That your souls are intertwined. For all eternity? That nothing is created or destroyed? It just is....forever and ever and ever. Eventually they will understand, Replied the glorious cat For I will whisper into their hearts That I am always with them I just am....forever and ever and ever.

A Dog's New Year Resolutions   I will stop trying to find the few remaining clean pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. I will not eat other animals' poop. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop. I will not eat my own vomit. I will not eat "kitty box crunchies". I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them. I will not chew crayons or pens, specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside. I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet. I will not bark each time I hear a door bell on TV. I will not walk under the big dog when he is peeing. I will not steal Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it. I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

New Year Resolutions for Pets 15. I will not eat other animals' poop. 14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop. 13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. 12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. 11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener. 10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows. 9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars. 8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds. 7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me! 6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year. 5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much. 4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post. 3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock. 2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets... 1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND

PET JOKES

How do you catch a runaway dog? Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone! What dog loves to take bubble baths? A shampoodle! What kind of dog does a vampire prefer? Any kind of bloodhound! What dogs are best for sending telegrams? Wire haired terrier!! What do you call a happy Lassie? A jolly collie! What do you call a nutty dog in Australia? A dingo-ling! What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers? A bud hound! Why didn't the dog speak to his foot? Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw! What is the dogs favorite city? New Yorkie! Who is the dogs favorite comedian? Growlcho Marx!

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS?... Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog prone to awful mistakes Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

EXCERPTS FROM THE DOG'S DAILY DIARY 8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite! 9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite! 10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite! 11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite! 12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite! 1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite! 4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite! 5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite! 5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite! 6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite! 6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite! EXCERPTS FROM THE CAT'S DAILY DIARY: Day 283 Of My Captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food.  More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies."  Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time... TO:  GOD           FROM: THE DOG Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on  your couch? Or is it still the same old story? Dear God: Why are there cars named after the  jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit,  but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around?  We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle"  the " Chrysler Beagle"? Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest  and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal  instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beeper s, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans  understand? Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.   Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there  are, will I have to  apologize? Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog. 1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up. 2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs,  etc., just because I like the way they smell. 3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty  litter box, although they are tasty. 4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.   5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps. 6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. 7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. 8. I will not bite the officer' s hand when he reaches in  for Mom's driver's license and registration. 9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. 10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying  "hello". 11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table. 12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after. 13. I will not throw up in the car.   14. I will not come in from outside and immediately  drag my butt. 15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company. 16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing. And, finally, My last two questions . . . Dear God: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?   P.S.  Dear God: When I get to Heaven may i please have my  testicles back?   Very Important Message For Pet Owners HOW COULD YOU?

A Cat's New Year Resolutions   My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that. I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie. I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium. I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain. I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage. I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.) I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files. I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks. I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up. We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep. Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again. I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves. I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom. I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back. When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door. Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out. The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh. I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them. I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups. When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock. Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail. I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer